Crossroads

No matter how many times I try, I fail to grasp the nature of my soul. Is it a benevolent, caring and peace-seeking creature of forgiveness or is it a spiteful, vengeful, destructive and dangerous creature of darkness? Sometimes, I feel like I belong under the shade of all that is bright and positive and yet, at times, I feel like I am a manifestation of the darkness.

The last few weeks have been very strange. I have been haunted by dreams of the past. This is a new experience to me. It has affected me profoundly; though it’s probably safe to say that the affect has been anything but a positive one. I have lost all control over my emotions and I cannot reason my actions and judgments. For a brief moment, I thought that I had lost all reason to hate.

Sadly, I have always been fixated on one goal; tied down by one very strong bond of hatred. Momentarily, I believed I had lost it. It may sound like a good thing but in reality, it is a horrible feeling. Each and every person who walk this Earth, are bound to their lives by a reason. Living without it is like living a nightmare. Without reason, life holds no meaning; it is the worst type of pain in the world.

Though my life may seem like a painful existence, I’m blessed by the presence of true friends who care for me and a wonderful family who love me boundless, fortunately. Yet, I tend to get lonely sometimes. It is in these times of loneliness that I feel attracted to the darker side. After all, I still have the motivation and the reason to live; I still have some hatred left within me which fuels me.

In the end, it seems that it might be impossible to ever completely get rid of the hatred. For that brief moment in time, without the hatred, I felt hollow; I felt like a broken tool which has lived out its usefulness. However, it seems like I have not yet lost reason to hate and that makes me happy. I know it’s wrong but I cannot get over it despite several attempts. The way I see it, the darkness and hatred has completely infused into soul.

I Stand Alone

I have not felt so lost for a while now. Here I am, exactly where I have dreamed of being for the entire length of my existence and yet the exuberance is nowhere in sight. I am beginning to feel that I have lost reason to be happy; neither is there any motivation to be sad.

            For the past year or so, I have been on a relentless expedition to try and understand myself. Yet, every time I think I have made any progress, I find myself being hurled into an abysmal of darkness and confusion.

            I thought I had an image of myself. While walking down the Highway of Oblivion I looked up at the Moon with hollow eyes. She looked so beautiful in the dark sky. Her dim light fell on me as if she was touching me, telling me to have faith and filled me with hope. She illuminated my path and in that light, I was able to see a reflection in the pond; a reflection of my reality. I felt warm after what felt like an eternity.

            I thought I had made some progress in my search for myself. Unfortunately, as my path twisted and turned into the darkness of the cavernous mountains, I lost sight. My source of light has been once again removed and now I stand alone at the edge of the cliff, wondering…

            I never imagined for life to change so drastically and become unrecognizable. My gaze grows ever more pensive as the darkness begins to emerge out of the deepest corners of my mind, once again questioning my reality. I can feel the cold cruelty gripping my psyche as I stand alone looking into the sky scouting for a source of light.

Severed Bonds

I’m walking down a boulevard of despair and depravity. It’s a lonely walk and I know that the longer I continue on this path, the closer I get to darkness. Despite cognizing, I keep moving on severing every bond that I once cherished, not only because they hold me back but because I don’t wish to drag the ones at the other end down with me. Even as I write I can feel the darkness wrapping around me and changing me. I can hear the sounds of those breaking bonds loud and clear as I progress into the abyss.

            One may ask “Why?” It is a difficult question for me to answer. If human beings cannot feel each others’ pain, they can never truly understand one another. So if someone hasn’t experienced the same pain as I have experienced and still continue to experience, he/she will never understand why I do the things that I do. Let’s just put it this way that my goals lay in the darkness. I know that it comes at the cost of my soul being forever lost in the mazes of hatred but it is a choice I’ve made myself.

            I’ve long since closed my eyes and embraced the darkness inside me. It has always been there for me. It is my companion, my source of power and my way of life. It is my greatest weapon and I intend to strike back with it at those who’ve made me suffer. I seek power which lies in the darkness and if I have to sever every last bond I have to achieve it, then I won’t falter.

            Vengeance will bring me closure. I know I wasn’t like this before and I realize that being consumed by hatred turns you into a completely different person but being human, I need a reason to exist; I need something to fill up the gaping void within me and this hatred is all I really have……

A New Beginning

Although I wanted to begin this post by writing something adroit, ornate or clichéd, I will not as I am known for my different approach of putting words down on paper or on the screen for that matter. I believe I am considerably late in posting this article. I should have posted it on the 31^st of July, 2011 because that date marks a major turning point of my life. It’s a new beginning.

My dreams and aspirations are all that I had when I was left alone by the world. I have been treated as an outcast and ignored. I have been plunged into a formidable darkness that consumes a person and changes him into someone else and till this day, I believed that I had changed.

However, I guess I am a little pleased to have been proven somewhat wrong. My personality and the look in my eyes may have changed, but I am still the same person inside; probably better and hopefully wiser. As I walked through the halls of fate and waited to face my destiny, I felt lonely and thought that the years wasted in the gorge of the ugly solitude may have indeed changed me.

Soon later, I realized that if I had changed, I would not be standing here in an effort to transcend my dreams into the world of reality. I have changed in appearance and in my ways of thinking and looking at life. Now, I can see people for who they are. Some may call me cynical but I like prefer prudent. I simply put a larger effort in distinguishing among those who truly love me and those who merely pretend to.

I am very thankful to God, my mother and my true friends for standing beside me and supporting me throughout my difficult experiences. I am very fortunate to have found them. If it was not for their prayers, I would not be sitting here typing it out. I see that those hands which were raised in praying for me are now raised to cheer for me. I feel different and I feel humbled more than ever. I see things in a new light and I see thing I have never seen before. I know that I am blessed to have these people. But you know, the best part of it is probably that I am finally beginning to feel something new. Something I have always desired and probably never had the chance to embrace. It is a new beginning for me as I walk into the horizon in search of something and to explore more of life.

L.I.F.E.

One of the simplest four letter words and yet probably one of the most awe-inspiring things in our existence: LIFE. Its beauty and mystery has baffled those who have given it any thought since the very beginning. Unfortunately, a lot of people take it for granted until the moment they face the one thing which is equally enigmatic: DEATH.

            I consider myself to be fortunate for I, unlike many do not take this one and only life for granted. I always attempt to make the best of it. Lately, I have been giving it a thought. What is the definition of life? To me, I guess it is simply to be Lost In Fickle Emotions.

            It may sound mundane at first but if we turn our attention to our lives for a second and think about our individual existences, it becomes surprisingly clear. We live our lives bound by what we see as correct and true. However, what exactly is correct and true? How do we define or distinguish them? They are merely vague concepts induced by our unpredictable emotions. My point is that even the greatest decisions or goals are a result of simple emotions.

            Our minds give us various reasons fueling our emotions which re-assure our belief on these vague concepts transforming them into our reality. Hence, we find ourselves goals to pursue. We find a purpose to live and not just exist.

            Every time we achieve a goal, we immediately move on and strive to grasp a new one. That is how life goes on. We sometimes knowingly or inadvertently lose ourselves to the shenanigans of our volatile emotions in an endeavor to find goals. Of course, if we did not, life would have been pretty meaningless.

Colors

It is kind of funny how I’m not happy when perhaps I should be happy. Although I don't complain, my life until now hasn’t been great. Not too many people notice you when you come from a pitiful or troubled background, let alone care for you or want to be with you. It is only natural for you to grow up desiring acknowledgment. Hence when you get that sort of attention and company, happiness should be the most suited emotion for the occasion. However, I cannot see this change in a positive light. The question instantly popped into my head…”Why now?”

            The realization of the hypocrisy of the world and the swift, ever-changing colors of people quickly drowned any hope of delight at this new development of my life. My depression got me thinking. I continued to demand an explanation from myself for my despondence and dissatisfaction in the countenance of the fulfillment of these long aspired desires. It’s certainly not greed. “So… why? Why am I not happy?”

It hurts when I look around and all that there is to see is the rampant selfishness that has become an intrinsic part of humanity. Perhaps there lies the difference between me and the others. While others can ignore the true facts, reality and their own conscience to bask in the glory lies, illusions and deception, I refuse to conform and fit in. I recognize the ideal society as nothing more than a bunch of parasites whose emotions are induced by success. I know that my success may not last forever and if that happened, these so-called well-wishers would suddenly vanish leaving me as dry as a bone.

Long gone are the days when you could put the candle of your life in the hands of someone without even giving it so much as a thought because you know that your friend will prevent it from blowing out and protect it with his own life. Long gone are those average people, real human beings.

As the world progresses into the future, the demand for unique individuals increases exponentially. Everyone tries to become special. In this arms race to attain singularity, the good old average people are getting lost in a sea of shape-shifting, color-changing opportunists and that is a sad reality.

Realizations

Aaahhhh…!!! I feel like screaming out and breaking down. Reflecting on errors in the cold darkness or pummeling and clawing the earth in search for closure are futile and fruitless.

Perhaps one of the most depressing things in life is realization of your own past mistakes and foolishness. Probably because most of the time there isn’t anything left to do about it, rather than regretting. Here I am again, awake at 2 A.M., writing and attempting to release the ocean of grief that inundates my mind. I cannot think about anything clearly as my own guilty conscience haunts me. So concentrating on anything else is out of the option as I’ve been trying to drown myself in work.

However, come to think of it, realizations aren’t all that bad either. Every time you realize something whether it was a deed, an emotion or a moment, you always find out something new about yourself. I keep defining and re-defining myself as a being void of feelings and emotions; unfortunately I am as human as a human can be. This is what I realized today. Perhaps shunning my human lineaments is just my way of dodging realizations and running away for regrets.

Of course life isn’t very generous. The path is rough; scrapes and bruises are part of the deal I guess. No matter how much you try, there is no way to emerge without a scratch. Believe me, moments of realization tend to make you unstable as the concoction of complex and conflicting emotions cloud your judgment. It is best to relieve yourself of the stress as quickly and harmlessly as possible.

Life may seem harsh and long but is actually quite transient like most beautiful and magnificent things. It’s sad and that’s why I cannot let regrets hold me down forever. I maybe gloomy but I have a strong spirit that never lets me give up on anything. Most importantly, I believe in myself and that is the greatest realization of all. I will just have to keep moving forward with the hope of not making the same mistake twice.

Untitled

Today, I’m going to go out of my way and write about something I don’t quite understand. Feelings! We all have feelings. We feel the world around us and we feel for each other. I created this blog to write about my life’s moments in a sort of abstract manner; moments that defined the rains and shines of my life. Each article that I’ve posted here was inspired by true incidents of my life. I guess I can say I write in order to better understand my own feelings or perhaps get rid of them.

            However, it is starting to become obvious that I’m completely hopeless with feelings. As I look back at my life I see that I made very few real friends if any at all and my relationships with most people are transient. I can make friends but sadly, I cannot keep them. It’s probably because neither do I understand my own feelings nor those of someone else. Unfortunately, I’ve hurt many people because of this inability of mine to properly comprehend emotions. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to them.

            So what triggered me wake up at 2 A.M. in the morning and start writing? The problems are the raging feelings within me. Since I yet again fail to grasp their definitions or maybe because I’m trying to suppress them, they have manifested in the form of uneasiness and discomfort and probably the reason why I named this one Untitled. I guess I can’t sleep until I can somehow get these feelings off my chest.

            Every time I close my eyes I see images from the past and images that I apparently desire to see in the future. These feelings have grown within me and yet are alien to me. I think I like them but I also fear them and want to get away from them. I cannot decide what I really want and I cannot see what is right. I feel a great urge to walk down this path but I’m also afraid where it might take me and yet, I’ve been walking lonely and uncertain paths all my life. Perhaps, I don’t wish to be lonely anymore. Perhaps I want to give a name and a meaning to my untitled existence.

Fragile People

As I walk around the streets and watch the people I cannot help but realize how fragile they are. Everywhere I look, all I see is people and their weaknesses.

Emotions and bonds people have with others make them vulnerable. Throughout their lives they form these bonds of love and friendship. People become important to one another and they begin to depend on one another. However, our existences are limited by the sands of time. When people die their friends and family crumble down. The bond is severed but leaves a scar behind. The once cherished memories become the reasons for shedding tears of blood.

            Human are very fragile beings both mentally and physically. They are incapable of going beyond their emotions and awakening themselves completely. Each one of us pursues something in life. Sometimes we grasp it and sometimes we fail; but it’s always that one thing and no more. There are so many things out there waiting to be discovered, uncovered, realized and achieved. All we can do is fantasize about them.

            While others merely fantasize, I dream about them. I desire for all of that eternal knowledge and understanding of myself and the Universe in all its glory. Even if I lived for lengthy period of time and gained some, my death would force me to lose it all. The human physical lifespan is far to short for my goals….

A Path of Uncertainty

It is not uncommon for life to change tracks in fleeting volatile moments. More often than not, change washes over peoples’ personalities, beliefs, careers and even their lives itself like a tidal wave. It happens so fast that it becomes very difficult comprehend the situation. It’s funny how we always try to plan things out and how life turns everything around in a hundred and eighty degrees.

            I’ve experienced similar situations in my life as well and like a great deal of people, I didn’t seem to like it either. However, for a while now, I’ve observed and interacted with many people with similar stories to tell. Yet, somehow, they always seem to be happy to be where they are today. It got me thinking……thinking long and hard.

            To be honest, I still don’t have an answer (yet another unanswered question added to my ever expanding list of unanswered questions). I’ve seen people crusading against fate to change their lives and move it in a way they want life to go and succeed at it. So I thought maybe through hard work and will, people can change their lives the way they want.

Then again, I’ve also come across people whose lives changed against their will in the blink of an eye. Perhaps, life knows what’s best for us and goes in the direction which best suits us. Unfortunately, both of these explanations cannot give me a clear answer about why the path of life is as uncertain as the random paths of a bolt of lightning.

As far as I’ve realized, life is a mystery; there’s no use pondering over it. Though, a concoction of honesty, effort, perseverance, karma and a little bit of luck may go a long way. I surmise as long as you remain humble, work diligently with an unwavering spirit, do just and respectable deeds, you can be certain that you will not regret where you end up in life.

Hidden Behind A Mask

Lately, a lot has been on my mind. Finally, the years of efforts seem to bear some sweet and well-deserved fruits. With so much time at hand, finally I was able to reflect on all the things that have passed and think about all the people I’ve met in this time. I’ve been moving too fast without looking left or right and now the world and the people in it seem so much different than they were when I was younger; or perhaps I was naive back then. I like to think I still am today. Being naive seems a lot better than being a self-centered hypocrite.

            I seldom see real people these days. In the recent past, I’ve had some great opportunities to interact with a lot of people. I did interact with a lot of people and yet, all I saw were figures going around with their faces hidden behind masks (metaphorically, of course). When I say that a person is hidden behind a mask, I mean they constantly try to hide their true personalities and intentions. People pretend to be nice; they use your services for their benefits and then refuse to recognize you on the street next week.

            I have been thinking hard and I just don’t get it. Everywhere I look, all I see are these people with fake smiles on their countenances trying to use each other, betray each other and pretend that nothing happened. Suddenly, trusting someone or making friends seems so much more difficult than it was in the 20^th century; at least that’s what my mom says. Where are the days of honesty and allegiance; where are all the real people with the courage to walk the path of righteousness? I’m not saying they don’t exist but they are just too few in number these days.

            The way I see it, the world is going from bad to worse. It’s a cruel place for fools like me, who wish to bring positive changes. It’s only a matter of time before this rampant hatred, negligence and all other forms of evil that infests our existence manifests into an epic natural disaster or a nine-tailed demon fox to eradicate us. Oh well, I better get back to some work; I guess I have been thinking too much and watching way too many animes……..