Aaahhhh…!!! I feel like screaming out and breaking down. Reflecting on errors in the cold darkness or pummeling and clawing the earth in search for closure are futile and fruitless.
Perhaps one of the most depressing things in life is realization of your own past mistakes and foolishness. Probably because most of the time there isn’t anything left to do about it, rather than regretting. Here I am again, awake at 2 A.M., writing and attempting to release the ocean of grief that inundates my mind. I cannot think about anything clearly as my own guilty conscience haunts me. So concentrating on anything else is out of the option as I’ve been trying to drown myself in work.
However, come to think of it, realizations aren’t all that bad either. Every time you realize something whether it was a deed, an emotion or a moment, you always find out something new about yourself. I keep defining and re-defining myself as a being void of feelings and emotions; unfortunately I am as human as a human can be. This is what I realized today. Perhaps shunning my human lineaments is just my way of dodging realizations and running away for regrets.
Of course life isn’t very generous. The path is rough; scrapes and bruises are part of the deal I guess. No matter how much you try, there is no way to emerge without a scratch. Believe me, moments of realization tend to make you unstable as the concoction of complex and conflicting emotions cloud your judgment. It is best to relieve yourself of the stress as quickly and harmlessly as possible.
Life may seem harsh and long but is actually quite transient like most beautiful and magnificent things. It’s sad and that’s why I cannot let regrets hold me down forever. I maybe gloomy but I have a strong spirit that never lets me give up on anything. Most importantly, I believe in myself and that is the greatest realization of all. I will just have to keep moving forward with the hope of not making the same mistake twice.