Realizations

Aaahhhh…!!! I feel like screaming out and breaking down. Reflecting on errors in the cold darkness or pummeling and clawing the earth in search for closure are futile and fruitless.

Perhaps one of the most depressing things in life is realization of your own past mistakes and foolishness. Probably because most of the time there isn’t anything left to do about it, rather than regretting. Here I am again, awake at 2 A.M., writing and attempting to release the ocean of grief that inundates my mind. I cannot think about anything clearly as my own guilty conscience haunts me. So concentrating on anything else is out of the option as I’ve been trying to drown myself in work.

However, come to think of it, realizations aren’t all that bad either. Every time you realize something whether it was a deed, an emotion or a moment, you always find out something new about yourself. I keep defining and re-defining myself as a being void of feelings and emotions; unfortunately I am as human as a human can be. This is what I realized today. Perhaps shunning my human lineaments is just my way of dodging realizations and running away for regrets.

Of course life isn’t very generous. The path is rough; scrapes and bruises are part of the deal I guess. No matter how much you try, there is no way to emerge without a scratch. Believe me, moments of realization tend to make you unstable as the concoction of complex and conflicting emotions cloud your judgment. It is best to relieve yourself of the stress as quickly and harmlessly as possible.

Life may seem harsh and long but is actually quite transient like most beautiful and magnificent things. It’s sad and that’s why I cannot let regrets hold me down forever. I maybe gloomy but I have a strong spirit that never lets me give up on anything. Most importantly, I believe in myself and that is the greatest realization of all. I will just have to keep moving forward with the hope of not making the same mistake twice.

Untitled

Today, I’m going to go out of my way and write about something I don’t quite understand. Feelings! We all have feelings. We feel the world around us and we feel for each other. I created this blog to write about my life’s moments in a sort of abstract manner; moments that defined the rains and shines of my life. Each article that I’ve posted here was inspired by true incidents of my life. I guess I can say I write in order to better understand my own feelings or perhaps get rid of them.

            However, it is starting to become obvious that I’m completely hopeless with feelings. As I look back at my life I see that I made very few real friends if any at all and my relationships with most people are transient. I can make friends but sadly, I cannot keep them. It’s probably because neither do I understand my own feelings nor those of someone else. Unfortunately, I’ve hurt many people because of this inability of mine to properly comprehend emotions. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to them.

            So what triggered me wake up at 2 A.M. in the morning and start writing? The problems are the raging feelings within me. Since I yet again fail to grasp their definitions or maybe because I’m trying to suppress them, they have manifested in the form of uneasiness and discomfort and probably the reason why I named this one Untitled. I guess I can’t sleep until I can somehow get these feelings off my chest.

            Every time I close my eyes I see images from the past and images that I apparently desire to see in the future. These feelings have grown within me and yet are alien to me. I think I like them but I also fear them and want to get away from them. I cannot decide what I really want and I cannot see what is right. I feel a great urge to walk down this path but I’m also afraid where it might take me and yet, I’ve been walking lonely and uncertain paths all my life. Perhaps, I don’t wish to be lonely anymore. Perhaps I want to give a name and a meaning to my untitled existence.