Moments

            Hauntingly beautiful, heartwarming and seemingly everlasting: Our lives are littered with such moments. However, even among those moments, there are those that are so beautiful and magical, it’s hard to believe in their reality. Transient and yet, eternal, they feel like an unreal dream that never seizes to stop and yet somehow is never enough to satisfy us to our heart’s content. But at the end of the day, the only reason they are called moments is because they don’t last very long. Sad…

            I once read somewhere that “Life is not made up of minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, or years, but of moments. You must experience each one before you can appreciate it.” I believe I now find myself in the proper disposition to not only understand the meaning of this statement but also to acknowledge the ineffable beauty of these moments that make up our lives.

            That’s about all that inhabits my mind at this moment. My thoughts remind me of a certain quote by a famous American poet, novelist and story writer named Charles Bukowski. He once said, “Some moments are nice; some are nicer; some are even worth writing about.” For me, this was certainly one of those moments.

?

It feels like ages since I have tried writing anything at all. Didn’t think I want to write again. But here I am again, writing; or at least trying. I want to share a story today. Let’s see now. How does it begin?

     Ah yes, it was some time ago. There was a child. He was cold and emotionless. No feelings at all for most people around him. He didn’t make a lot of bonds. Neither did he care about them.

     As he grew older, he got colder and almost changed to an in recognizable person. He held on to his ideologies of being alone and not caring about the world. As days went by, he decided that these bonds were holding him back and began to sever them.

     He continued walking that path until ….

FEAR

Contemplating on life, I guess it’s safe to say that there probably isn't much meaning to it. Perhaps, one can find something interesting to do while they are still alive. Well, I sort of have a goal too. It’s a little different than it used to be and if I were to state it in words, I like to see things moving. I get bored if things don't move. A windmill that is not moving can be nice from time to time, but most of the time, it's not even worth looking at.

      Do I sound a little strange; a little distraught even? Perhaps I am. I have been feeling rather different as of late. Maybe it’s simply because my level of patience and tolerance for the ignorance of the simpletons who surround me has finally boiled over the edge, along with the hatred I harbor for them. I am no longer the same person I used to be. There’s a new look in my eyes and I am much, much colder than I used to be.

      Being treated like an outcast was never a good feeling but I thought that stage had passed. Sadly, it never did and I am beginning to get sick of this feeling. Just like untreated injuries become infected, the psychological wounds that are left untreated also fester, spreading slowly and eventually consuming the person, changing him entirely. I have felt this way for so long that the need for being acknowledged and accepted has died away over time. The feelings of nonchalance are prevalent in my countenance.

      Darkness! It can be strange. It has so many meanings. When everything that you know and love is taken from you so harshly that all you can think about is anger, hatred, even revenge and no one can save you- that is darkness! How it is defined varies vastly. To me, it’s a source of power and a companion. Though, anything possessing such power has flaws. Darkness will eventually turn a person hollow. You know that you’ve capitulated to the darkness when you’ve accepted the price for a certain goal in life.

      I am a new person; one that this world shall fear. The world taught me to hate; I'll teach it fear. Now, I want to move the windmill with the wind called the FEAR!! We each act according to our own sense of justice and this will be my justice; this will be my judgment.

Crossroads

No matter how many times I try, I fail to grasp the nature of my soul. Is it a benevolent, caring and peace-seeking creature of forgiveness or is it a spiteful, vengeful, destructive and dangerous creature of darkness? Sometimes, I feel like I belong under the shade of all that is bright and positive and yet, at times, I feel like I am a manifestation of the darkness.

The last few weeks have been very strange. I have been haunted by dreams of the past. This is a new experience to me. It has affected me profoundly; though it’s probably safe to say that the affect has been anything but a positive one. I have lost all control over my emotions and I cannot reason my actions and judgments. For a brief moment, I thought that I had lost all reason to hate.

Sadly, I have always been fixated on one goal; tied down by one very strong bond of hatred. Momentarily, I believed I had lost it. It may sound like a good thing but in reality, it is a horrible feeling. Each and every person who walk this Earth, are bound to their lives by a reason. Living without it is like living a nightmare. Without reason, life holds no meaning; it is the worst type of pain in the world.

Though my life may seem like a painful existence, I’m blessed by the presence of true friends who care for me and a wonderful family who love me boundless, fortunately. Yet, I tend to get lonely sometimes. It is in these times of loneliness that I feel attracted to the darker side. After all, I still have the motivation and the reason to live; I still have some hatred left within me which fuels me.

In the end, it seems that it might be impossible to ever completely get rid of the hatred. For that brief moment in time, without the hatred, I felt hollow; I felt like a broken tool which has lived out its usefulness. However, it seems like I have not yet lost reason to hate and that makes me happy. I know it’s wrong but I cannot get over it despite several attempts. The way I see it, the darkness and hatred has completely infused into soul.

I Stand Alone

I have not felt so lost for a while now. Here I am, exactly where I have dreamed of being for the entire length of my existence and yet the exuberance is nowhere in sight. I am beginning to feel that I have lost reason to be happy; neither is there any motivation to be sad.

            For the past year or so, I have been on a relentless expedition to try and understand myself. Yet, every time I think I have made any progress, I find myself being hurled into an abysmal of darkness and confusion.

            I thought I had an image of myself. While walking down the Highway of Oblivion I looked up at the Moon with hollow eyes. She looked so beautiful in the dark sky. Her dim light fell on me as if she was touching me, telling me to have faith and filled me with hope. She illuminated my path and in that light, I was able to see a reflection in the pond; a reflection of my reality. I felt warm after what felt like an eternity.

            I thought I had made some progress in my search for myself. Unfortunately, as my path twisted and turned into the darkness of the cavernous mountains, I lost sight. My source of light has been once again removed and now I stand alone at the edge of the cliff, wondering…

            I never imagined for life to change so drastically and become unrecognizable. My gaze grows ever more pensive as the darkness begins to emerge out of the deepest corners of my mind, once again questioning my reality. I can feel the cold cruelty gripping my psyche as I stand alone looking into the sky scouting for a source of light.

Severed Bonds

I’m walking down a boulevard of despair and depravity. It’s a lonely walk and I know that the longer I continue on this path, the closer I get to darkness. Despite cognizing, I keep moving on severing every bond that I once cherished, not only because they hold me back but because I don’t wish to drag the ones at the other end down with me. Even as I write I can feel the darkness wrapping around me and changing me. I can hear the sounds of those breaking bonds loud and clear as I progress into the abyss.

            One may ask “Why?” It is a difficult question for me to answer. If human beings cannot feel each others’ pain, they can never truly understand one another. So if someone hasn’t experienced the same pain as I have experienced and still continue to experience, he/she will never understand why I do the things that I do. Let’s just put it this way that my goals lay in the darkness. I know that it comes at the cost of my soul being forever lost in the mazes of hatred but it is a choice I’ve made myself.

            I’ve long since closed my eyes and embraced the darkness inside me. It has always been there for me. It is my companion, my source of power and my way of life. It is my greatest weapon and I intend to strike back with it at those who’ve made me suffer. I seek power which lies in the darkness and if I have to sever every last bond I have to achieve it, then I won’t falter.

            Vengeance will bring me closure. I know I wasn’t like this before and I realize that being consumed by hatred turns you into a completely different person but being human, I need a reason to exist; I need something to fill up the gaping void within me and this hatred is all I really have……

A New Beginning

Although I wanted to begin this post by writing something adroit, ornate or clichéd, I will not as I am known for my different approach of putting words down on paper or on the screen for that matter. I believe I am considerably late in posting this article. I should have posted it on the 31^st of July, 2011 because that date marks a major turning point of my life. It’s a new beginning.

My dreams and aspirations are all that I had when I was left alone by the world. I have been treated as an outcast and ignored. I have been plunged into a formidable darkness that consumes a person and changes him into someone else and till this day, I believed that I had changed.

However, I guess I am a little pleased to have been proven somewhat wrong. My personality and the look in my eyes may have changed, but I am still the same person inside; probably better and hopefully wiser. As I walked through the halls of fate and waited to face my destiny, I felt lonely and thought that the years wasted in the gorge of the ugly solitude may have indeed changed me.

Soon later, I realized that if I had changed, I would not be standing here in an effort to transcend my dreams into the world of reality. I have changed in appearance and in my ways of thinking and looking at life. Now, I can see people for who they are. Some may call me cynical but I like prefer prudent. I simply put a larger effort in distinguishing among those who truly love me and those who merely pretend to.

I am very thankful to God, my mother and my true friends for standing beside me and supporting me throughout my difficult experiences. I am very fortunate to have found them. If it was not for their prayers, I would not be sitting here typing it out. I see that those hands which were raised in praying for me are now raised to cheer for me. I feel different and I feel humbled more than ever. I see things in a new light and I see thing I have never seen before. I know that I am blessed to have these people. But you know, the best part of it is probably that I am finally beginning to feel something new. Something I have always desired and probably never had the chance to embrace. It is a new beginning for me as I walk into the horizon in search of something and to explore more of life.