No matter how many times I try, I fail to grasp the nature of my soul. Is it a benevolent, caring and peace-seeking creature of forgiveness or is it a spiteful, vengeful, destructive and dangerous creature of darkness? Sometimes, I feel like I belong under the shade of all that is bright and positive and yet, at times, I feel like I am a manifestation of the darkness.
The last few weeks have been very strange. I have been haunted by dreams of the past. This is a new experience to me. It has affected me profoundly; though it’s probably safe to say that the affect has been anything but a positive one. I have lost all control over my emotions and I cannot reason my actions and judgments. For a brief moment, I thought that I had lost all reason to hate.
Sadly, I have always been fixated on one goal; tied down by one very strong bond of hatred. Momentarily, I believed I had lost it. It may sound like a good thing but in reality, it is a horrible feeling. Each and every person who walk this Earth, are bound to their lives by a reason. Living without it is like living a nightmare. Without reason, life holds no meaning; it is the worst type of pain in the world.
Though my life may seem like a painful existence, I’m blessed by the presence of true friends who care for me and a wonderful family who love me boundless, fortunately. Yet, I tend to get lonely sometimes. It is in these times of loneliness that I feel attracted to the darker side. After all, I still have the motivation and the reason to live; I still have some hatred left within me which fuels me.
In the end, it seems that it might be impossible to ever completely get rid of the hatred. For that brief moment in time, without the hatred, I felt hollow; I felt like a broken tool which has lived out its usefulness. However, it seems like I have not yet lost reason to hate and that makes me happy. I know it’s wrong but I cannot get over it despite several attempts. The way I see it, the darkness and hatred has completely infused into soul.